50 Funniest One-Liners

Cupid's Arrow
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." - Tim Allen

Cupid's Arrow Sharpened
"When I eventually met Mr Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always." - Rita Rudner

"Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice." - Bill Cosby

"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest." - Roseanne Barr

"I always wanted to be the last guy on earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me." - Ronnie Shakes

"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished." - Zsa Zsa Gabor


Financial Genius
"A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it." - Bob Hope

"Money won't buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy." - Spike Milligan

Unfathomable
"Imagine if there were no hypothetical situations." - John Mendoza

"I don't consider myself bald. I'm simply taller than my hair." - Thom Sharp

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy and the tallest guy in the National Basketball Association is Chinese." - Chris Rock

Odds-on Favourites
"This is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing a president, we get two choices. But when we have to select Miss America, we get 50." - Jay Leng

"I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not." - Fran Lebowitz

It's a Zoo
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez

"Time's fun when you're having flies." - Kermit the Frog

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." - Lily Tomlin

"Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend." - Zenna Schaffer

Deadly Serious
"It's not that I'm afraid to die; I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen

Miss Manners
"If you haven't got anything good to say about any one, come and sit by me." - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

"The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue." - Dorothy Parker

Women on the Edge
"I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them." - Bette Midler

"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted." - Mae West

"Deep down, I'm pretty superficial." - Ava Gardner

"I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time." - Marilyn Monroe

Men on the Edge
"I just recently had my Visa card stolen. Now it's everywhere I want to be." - Scott Wood

"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin." - H.L. Mencken

"I drink to make other people interesting." - George Jean Nathan

Speed Traps
"Have you noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?" - George Carlin

"Instant gratification takes too long." - Carrie Fisher

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?" - Robin Williams

Health Nuts
"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." Henny Youngman

"You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish." - Jerry Seinfeld

"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?" - Phyllis Diller

A Comedy of Heirs
"When you're eight years old, nothing is your business." - Lenny Bruce

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." - Dick Cavett

"When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half." - Gracie Allen

"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you've given birth." - Erma Bombeck

Fashion Plates
"Men who have pierced ears are better prepared fo marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery." - Rita Rudner

"If God meant us to be naked, he would have made our skin fit better." - Maureen Murphy

Keeping Score
"If a woman has to choose between catching a baseball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." - Dave Barry

"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass." - Martin Mull

"Football combines the two worst features of American life: violence and committee meetings." - George Will

"I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out." Rodney Dangerfield

Wisdumb
"We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true." - Robert Wilensky

"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say then don't say it." - Sam Levenson

Highly Questionable
"If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?" - Vince Lombardi

"What's another word for thesaurus?" - Steven Wright

"If convenience stores are open 365 days a year, 24 hours a day and 7 days a week, why do the doors have locks on them?" - Gallagher

In Sum...
"I really didn't say everything I said." - Yogi Berra


Extracted from Reader's Digest